Programming Decisions

2015-06-19 ⋅ Comments

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical post. If your name is mentioned in a diminishing way, don't be insulted; I insult myself a few times throughout the post. Also, I like some of the projects I made fun of, including C++, JavaScript, Kotlin, Nim, Fbuild, and plenty of others. Again, this is satirical.

A farmer couldn't figure out how to maintain his web servers, so he gave it to his animals. However, they simply couldn't agree on what tools to use.

Horse: We should write it in PHP.

Cow: No; Ruby on Rails is better.

Duck: Forget about Rails; we need a native HTML+JS (or TypeScript) solution using React.js components.

Bee (various non-farm animals joined in the conversation): But Polymer is so much better!

Duck: And slower.

Bee: That was before 1.0.

Cow: But JavaScript is unmaintainable!

Leech: Use TypeScript.

Horse: Microsoft is evil.

Cow: With TypeScript, we need to compile our code. What about PyPy.js?

Fish: Then we end up with a 2 hour startup time. That thing blows through 10 MB of data!

Bee: Just use TypeScript with a build system like Grunt.

Leech: Ugh! Grunt is so last-gen! Use Gulp.

Ant: Or Google's Anvil.

Duck: Anvil? Sounds painful.

Pig: What about writing the site in Nim? It has a JS backend.

Horse: Python is evil, and therefore Nim is evil.

Leech: Nim's creator called me a Leech!


Bee: We can use Java+GWT.

Duck: Or just Java.

Ant: Eh, no one likes Java; how about Scala?

Horse: Scala takes forever to compile, is slow, and is therefore evil.

Pig: We can use Kotlin or Groovy or...

Cow: But now we're back to the TypeScript problem: we need to compile our code.

Fish: Use Maven.

Ant: HA! We're not suicidal! Gradle is so much better.

Deer: And Buck.

Horse: Buck has Android build rules and is therefore evil.

Bee: All those suck! Just use Fbuild.

Duck: The Scala builder in Fbuild has been broken for ages, and no one there is seemingly smart enough to fix it.

Leech: At HLUYTSWE (Magic Engineering Company Inc.), they use a bunch of shell scripts layered under Shake using kdb to store hashes and redo for...

Horse: Shell scripts are evil.

Fish: *sigh* Whatever. How about C++?

Ant: Still not suicidal.

Cow: If we use C++, we need another build system. Again.

Fish: Fbuild.

Horse: Make.

Ant: CMake+Ninja.

Fish: Bazel.

Leech: Autotools.

Cow: Autotools == pain, horror, and lengthy config times. CMake is faster.

Horse: CMake uses macros and is therefore evil.

Cow: But CMake has a Ninja generator!

Fish: Then use GN. Or Gyp.

Duck: Gyp is ugly and complicated.

Pig: Ninja was written for Chromium. I heard that they track the type of oven you have and zap you if you boil peanuts. We should use C++ with Clang+Tup.

Horse: Clang is sponsored by Apple and is therefore evil. The creator of Tup has a secret alliance with Mordor; therefore, Tup is evil.

Ant: GCC is better. Their license is the one true way. Besides, what about writing the site in Crystal or Felix?

Horse: Richard Stallman's beard is too long; therefore, GCC is evil. Crystal is written by a sword-wielding apple and is therefore evil. Felix is written by someone who can't shut their mouth for over 5 minutes and is therefore evil.

Leech: The MIT Expat license is much better than the GPL. What about Rust?

Ant: Again, not suicidal. The sheer number of errors related to borrowing/stealing/pillaging gives me heartburn.

Horse: Rust...

Everyone: TO YOU EVERYTHING IS EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bee: C++ still has better IDE support than the other languages; we can use Visual Studio.

Horse: Visual Studio... gets kicked by pig

Duck: Nah, Vim is the best editor.

Pig: Emacs is better. I can type C-f M-d shoot C-s-h-l-f-e and get a free hamburger.

Duck: Vim too: ahsJGT12$@/ghns .

Leech: Forget about it. I know the best language to use: K. Someone actually wrote a BF interpreter in a few lines of code!

Pig: The creator of K has no concept of code maintainability, and the person who wrote that interpreter is an alien from Pluto.

Fish: We can use Elm, which compiles to JS. Or we can use Haskell. I momentarily forgot how superior purely functional programming is...

Horse: opens his mouth and gets kicked by Duck .

Cow: The entire database can be a monadic applicative functorical set-based polymorphic monomorphic mathical editorial purely functional SHA1-based data structure.

Leech: What about Python?

Bee: Booooo to indentation syntax.

Fish: How about Go?

Ant: I told you guys! Not suicidal!

Leech: Someone released a study proving that using Go makes you grow excess armpit hair.

Pig: Go tracks you steps and zaps you if you kick a gofer.


Ant, Bee, Leech: We'll go first!

The ant, bee, and leech went the farmer, who freaked out by the sudden showing of unwanted creatures and drowned them all in alcohol.

Fish: Why don't you think they've come back?

Horse: They are evil. We shall go next.

The horse, cow, duck, fish, pig, went to the farmer. Now, the farmer had been on a vegetarian diet. When he saw all these animals, he want haywire, shot them, and had horse-beef-duck-fish-pork stew for dinner

However, the farmer realized he still needed to fix his web site, so he paid someone on the side of the street 5 bucks. Now he has a website that handles 0.04 requests per second, and he cannot find anyone who knows how to maintain the INTERCAL+BF web app the person wrote.

Motto: There's supposed to be a motto? Uhh...how about "If you don't stop debating, you'll get either drowned in alcohol or eaten?" Yeah, that's a good one! :)